Family Communication

I have so much to share this week, and I can't wait to get started! Communication is something that I am very passionate and interested in. One reason for this is because I felt I wasn't taught or exposed to healthy communication skills. Shoutout to my weekly to Middle Children! Too often I felt pushed to the side, because I wasn't always able to talk about or understand my feelings. A large part of communication is expressing yourself in an honest open way, and that is something I have always sought to understand better, almost in desperation. So, for those that feel similarly, or for those of you who want tools to effectively communicate in your family and professional life, read on!

I want to start off with explaining the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, developed by Dr. David Burns. There are 5 steps included in this technique, and order doesn't necessarily matter depending on the situation. I love this model because it gives straightforward and doable steps in order to foster communication and understanding. After learning about these in class, I felt empowered and motivated to start practicing these.

Step #1: The Disarming Technique- Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable or unfair. Your state of mind changes when you start looking for that kernel of truth. 

Step #2: Empathy- First, Thought Empathy. This is where you paraphrase the other person's words when responding back to them. It shows that you listened, you understand, and you care. The second is Feeling Empathy. This is when you acknowledge how someone else feels. This is a biggy, because so often I have observed that people disregard how others are feeling, and try to assume. This invalidates the other person, and doesn't establish trust. 

Step #3: Inquiry- Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking/feeling. In these instances, try these questions: "Am I understanding you correctly", or "I'd love to know more about how you're feeling". If we don't ever check in with our spouse and loved ones, we won't know what's truly going on inside. That's the truly important stuff. 

Step #4: "I Feel" Statements- Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner. Use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel upset", rather than "you" statements, such as "You're wrong" or "You're making me furious". This technique focuses on your feelings, and avoids pinning the blame on others for how you feel. Feeling and reacting are choices. 

Step #5: Stroking- Convey an attitude of respect and find something genuinely positive to say about the other person.

One problem people have with this model is its simplicity in theory. People think it's not necessary to practice the "obvious" solutions. They tend to overthink and think that change in communication has to be this grandiose shift. However, these 5 steps, as simple as they seem, are unnatural for us to implement. They aren't usually the first actions we take to approach and talk to others, especially in a heated moment. However, a great marriage isn't natural; it's supernatural. Being understood is like breathing; if we're not breathing/feeling understood, we become desperate. Just remember, marital communication should emphasize and focus on emotions and understanding.

A question I had while discussing these steps was how do we address people who are on the defense and react negatively when we try to implement the steps above. Individuals who attack are also defending themselves in some way. It's important to note that these two things are survival mechanisms that protect the individual from the deep hurt they have felt or developed. Remember to be gentle, willing, and persistent in your approach to better communication. You deserve the peace, and clarity that comes with implementing the steps above.