Understanding Your Family through Theories

One of the biggest reasons I decided to pursue Marriage & Family Studies is because I want to understand my own family. I want to notice and address the good and not so good patterns going on in my home. I crave the understanding and the courage to make a change. I am someone who naturally looks for problems and issues that need resolution, and I have 100% taken that approach in my family. And confession time: I hold grudges. I am resentful. However, I am aware of my own shortcomings, and I have a desire to release hate and hurt. I want to start moving forward with forgiveness and gentleness. This week's blog will focus on different types of family dynamic theories and why they are important in your progression to healthy relationships.

Before we dive in, let's define what a theory is. It is an attempt to explain phenomena. It focuses on the why and how behind something. Without realizing it, we formulate theories in our everyday lives. For example, when someone thinks "how did she end up with him?", or "how can I best help my kids through their challenges?" These are the start of theories, where we notice something, then come up with our own explanations of why and how something is. When it comes to Family Science theories, however, they are more universal and generalized than the previous examples. Here are three examples of family dynamic theories. 

1. SYMBOLIC INTERACTIONS THEORY- One thing you should know about these theories is how well they are named. They're fairly self-explanatory, which makes it easier to remember! Anyhow, Symbolic Interactions Theory! Here's the tea: our behaviors can be and are misunderstood. The things we do are interpreted symbolically, which means there's lots of differing interpretations. An example of this is interpreting text messages. We miss out on the inflection of their tone, behavior, body language, nonverbal communication, etc. Even punctuation and emojis can be misinterpreted. That is one of the reasons I think the generations growing up with phones are lacking in communication skills; they typically don't have as much exposure to in-person interactions because of technology. That is why it is important in your own family to communicate and teach openness in order for misinterpretation and hurt feelings to be resolved.

EXCHANGE THEORY- This theory claims that we tend to keep our costs lower than our rewards when it comes to interactions/relationships. We assess what types of sacrifices we make in a relationship and weigh it with the output and rewards we receive. In a familial example, when we make decisions, or discuss how parents will raise their children, you must negotiate on both sides. Ideally, you both receive a portion of the rewards to balance out what you are giving up. If, however, an interaction or relationship consistently costs us more than it rewards us, we are likely to end it. 

FAMILY SYSTEMS THEORY- Now this one was my favorite to learn about and discuss. In a Family Relations class I'm taking this semester, we talked the most about this theory. Here are the ideas behind it: the entire family system is greater than the sum of its parts. Each individual family member contributes so much to the whole and life wouldn't be the same without them. Let me illustrate a metaphor to further elucidate this concept. Each ingredient in a cake changes the flavor and consistency of the pastry. If one ingredient is missing, then the cake falls apart. Each individual influences each other in different, unique ways.

One way families interact is through feedback, whether it's positive or negative feedback. When we receive positive feedback (verbal or nonverbal), it increases the chances of our actions being repeated. The opposite is true as well; if we receive negative feedback, it discourages and decreases that behavior.

Have you noticed the types of roles we play in our family? That is another concept that falls under this theory. Discussing this was particularly fascinating to me. We discussed several potential roles we take on in our own families: an in-betweener, peacemaker, family "therapist", a scapegoat, the chaperone, the second mom, and the silent one. The last role is the one that I have taken in my own family. I remained silent and observational a lot of my growing up years in family settings, sometimes out of choice, and sometimes because I was told by family members to remain polite/quiet. 

As I have talked to other middle children, I discovered they have taken on similar roles. The stereotypes of middle children feeling forgotten and "swept under the rug" has some truth to it, at least in my own experience. But I don't want to end this post on a sober note. I want to testify from my own experience that roles can change and those sad feelings can change and be healed through conversations and honesty.  I challenge you to start a conversation with a family member about roles each other have taken, and the ones you want to continue to play, and the ones that you want to change/discard. I promise you it will be beneficial and insightful!